Funny Quotes from PJatO and HoO
by Iluvbooks12345
Summary: In this story, find all the funny quotes from PJatO and HoO. From the "Wine Dude" to the famous "Dam Snack Bar". Be prepared to laugh your heads off. Story will be updated every Tuesdays/Wednesdays.
1. Chapter 1

**I really wanted to write all of the funny moments that happened in PJatO and HoO. I have written only some of them. Enjoy! :) **

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><p>"Wow", Thalia muttered. "Apollo is hot"<p>

"He's the sun god," I said.

"That's not what I meant."

_(c)- The Titan's Curse_

"Grover was sniffing the wind, looking nervous. He fished out his acorns and threw them into the sand, then played his pipes. They rearranged themselves in a pattern that made no sense to me, but Grover looked concerned.  
>"That's us," he said. "Those five nuts right there."<br>"Which one is me?" I asked.  
>"The little deformed one," Zoe suggested.<br>"Oh, shut up."

_(c)- The Titan's Curse_

"The real story of the Fleece: there were these two children of Zeus, Cadmus and Europa, okay? They were about to get offered up as human sacrifices, when they prayed to Zeus to save them. So Zeus sent this magical flying ram with golden wool, which picked them up in Greece and carried them all the way to Colchis in Asia Minor. Well, actually it carried Cadmus. Europa fell off and died along the way, but that's not important."  
>"It was probably important to her."<p>

_(c)- The Sea of Monsters_

"I nodded, looking at Rachel with respect. "You hit the Lord of the Titans in the eye with a blue plastic hairbrush."

_(c)- The Battle of the Labyrinth_

"Can you surf really well, then?"  
>I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.<br>"Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."  
>He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)"<p>

_(c)- The Titan's Curse_

"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!  
>Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"<p>

_(c)- The Titan's Curse_

"Now, come over here so I can pat you down."  
>"But you don't have-" Percy stopped. "Uh, sure."<br>He stood next to the armless statue. Terminus conducted a rigorous mental pat down.  
>"You seem to be clean," Terminus decided. "Do you have anything to declare?"<br>"Yes," Percy said. "I declare that this is stupid."

_(c)- The Son of Neptune_

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><p><strong>It's really short. I will update it later on, 'cuz I'm busy writing the fourth chapter of my story "More Than That".<strong>

**Until next time- iluvbooks12345 a.k.a. Kanyaka**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys, guess what? It's Tuesday! And that means update time. Be ready to roll on the ground laughing hard. :D**

**Chapter 2:-**

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><p>"Monkey bar", Annabeth said. "I'm great at these." She leaped onto the first rung and swinging her way across. She was scared of tiny spiders, but not of plummeting to her death from a set of monkey bars. Go figure!<p>

_(c)- The Battle of the Labyrinth_

"Did someone just call me the wine dude?" he asked in a lazy drawl. "It's Bacchus,please. Or . Or Lord Bacchus. Or sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don't-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus."

_(c)- The Mark of Athena_

"_Braccas meas vescimini_!"  
>I wasn't sure where the Latin came from. I think it meant 'Eat my pants!"<p>

_(c)- The Lightning Thief_

"Behold!" Percy shouted. "The god's chosen beverage. Tremble before the horror of Diet Coke!"

_(c)- The Mark of Athena_

"The throne rumbled. A wave of gale-force anger slammed into me.  
><em>WHO DARES-<em>  
>The voice stopped abruptly, the anger retreated, which was a good thing, because just those two words had almost blasted my mind to shreds.<br>_Percy._ My father's voice was still angry but more controlled. _What-exactly-are you doing on my throne?_  
>"I'm sorry, Father," I said. "I needed to get your attention."<br>_This was a very dangerous thing to do. Even for you. If I hadn't looked before I blasted, you would now be a puddle of seawater_

_(c)- The Last Olympian._

"I'm calm," Rachel insisted. "Every time I'm around you, some monsters attack us. What's to be nervous about?"  
>"Look," I said. "I'm sorry about the band room. I hope they didn't kick you our or anything."<br>"Nah. They asked me a lot of questions about you. I played dumb."  
>"Was it hard?" Annabeth asked."<p>

_(c)- The Battle of the Labyrinth_

"It's him," I said. "Typhon."  
>I was seriously hoping Chiron would say something good, like 'No, that's our huge friend Leroy! He's going to help us!"<p>

_(c)- The Last Olympian_

"You're Dionysus," I said. "The god of wine."  
>Mr. D rolled his eyes. "What do they say these days, Grover? Do the children say 'Well duh!'?"<br>"Y-yes, Mr. D."  
>"Then, well duh! Percy Jackson. Did you think I was Aphrodite, perhaps?"<p>

_(c)- The Lightning thief_

"As for my brothers," Zeus said, "we are thankful"-he cleared his throat like the words were hard to get out-"erm, thankful for the aid of Hades."  
>The lord of the dead nodded. He had a smug look on his face, but I figure he'd earned the right. He patted his son Nico on the shoulders, and Nico looked happier than I'd ever seen him.<br>"And, of course," Zeus continued, though he looked like his pants were smoldering, "we must...um...thank Poseidon."  
>"I'm sorry, brother," Poseidon said. "What was that?"<br>"We must thank Poseidon," Zeus growled. "Without whom . . . it would've been difficult-"  
>"Difficult?" Poseidon asked innocently.<br>"Impossible," Zeus said. "Impossible to defeat Typhon."

_(c)- The Last Olympian_

"I'd love to tell you I had some deep revelation on my way down, that I came to terms with my own mortality, laughed in the face of death, et cetera.  
>The truth? My only thought was: Aaaaggghhhhh!"<p>

_(c)- The Lightning Thief_

"The Council agrees," Zeus said. "Percy Jackson, you will have one gift from the gods."  
>I hesitated. "Any gift?"<br>Zeus nodded grimly. "I know what you will ask. The greatest gift of all. Yes, if you want it, it shall be yours. The gods have not bestowed this gift on a mortal hero in many centuries, but, Perseus Jackson-if you wish it-you shall be made a god. Immortal. Undying. You shall serve as your father's lieutenant for all time."  
>I stared at him, stunned. "Um...a god?"<br>Zeus rolled his eyes. "A dimwitted god, apparently. But yes. With the consensus of the entire Council, I can make you immortal. Then I will have to put up with you forever."  
>"Hmm," Ares mused. "That means I can smash him to a pulp as often as I want, and he'll just keep coming back for more. I like this idea."<p>

_(c)- The Last Olympian_

"Two hundred Romans, and no one's got a pen? Never mind!"  
>He slung his M16 onto his back and pulled out a hand grenade. There were many screaming Romans. Then the hand grenade morphed into a ballpoint pen, and Mars began to write.<br>Frank looked at Percy with wide eyes. He mouthed: Can your sword do grenade form? Percy mouthed back, No. Shut up."

_(c)- The Son of Neptune_

"You speak horse?" Hazel asked.  
>"Speaking to horses is a Poseidon thing," Percy said. "Uh, I mean a Neptune thing."<br>"Then you and Arion should get along fine," Hazel said. "He's a son of Neptune too."  
>Percy turned pale. "Excuse me?"<p>

_(c)- The Son of Neptune_

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><p><strong>So, review, favourite and follow.<strong>

**Until next time- iluvbooks12345 a.k.a. Kanyaka**

**P.S. : I'm thinking about writing a Percy Jackson and Facebook fanfiction. Do you think I should do that? Please tell me in the reviews. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys. It's update time! So sorry I couldn't update yesterday. Anyways, here's the third chappie. Enjoy :)**

**Chapter 3:-**

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><p>"Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."<br>Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"  
>Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"<br>"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries."  
>Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."<br>I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand."  
>"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.<br>"And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt."

_(c)- The Titan's Curse_

"Ever had a flying burrito hit you? Well, it's a deadly projectile, right up there with cannonballs and grenades."

_(c)- The Titan's Curse_

"With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later."

_(c)- The Last Olympian_

"How did you die?"  
>"We er...drowned in a bathtub."<br>"All three of you?"  
>"It was a big bathtub."<p>

_(c)- The Lightning Thief_

"Dreams like a podcast,  
>Downloading truth in my ears.<br>They tell me cool stuff."  
>"Apollo?" I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.<br>He put his finger to his lips. "I'm incognito. Call me Fred."  
>"A god named Fred?"<p>

_(c)- The Titan's Curse_

"He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically.  
><em>"Green grass breaks through snow.<br>Artemis pleads for my help.  
>I am so cool."<em>  
>He grinned at us, waiting for applause.<br>"That last line was four syllables." Artemis said.  
>Apollo frowned. "Was it?"<br>"Yes. What about _I am so bigheaded?"_  
>"No, no, that's six syllable, hhhm." He started muttering to himself.<br>Zoe Nightshade turned to us. "Lord Apollo has been going through this haiku phase ever since he visited Japan. Tis not as bad as the time he visited Limerick. If I'd had to hear one more poem that started with, _There once was a goddess from Sparta-"_  
>"I've got it!" Apollo announced. "<em>I am so awesome.<em> That's five syllables!" He bowed, looking very pleased with himself."

_(c)- The Titan's Curse_

"Hades raised an eyebrow. When he sat forward in his throne, shadowy faces appeared in the folds of his black robes, faces of torment,as if the garment was stitched of trapped souls from the Fields of Punishment, trying to get out. The ADHD part of me wondered, off-task, whether the rest of his clothes were made the same way. What horrible things would you have to do in your life to get woven into Hades' underwear?"

_(c)- The Lightning Thief_

"Jumping out a window five hundred feet above ground is not usually my idea of fun. Especially when I'm wearing bronze wings and flapping my arms like a duck."

_(c)- The Battle of the Labyrinth_

"She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish."

_(c)- The Lightning Thief_

"We only came close to dying six or seven times, which I thought was pretty good. Once, I lost my grip and found myself dangling by one hand from a ledge fifty feet above the rocky surf. But I found another handhold and kept climbing. A minute later Annabeth hit a slippery patch of moss and her foot slipped. Fortunately, she found something else to put it against. Unfortunately, that something was my face.  
>"Sorry," she murmured.<br>"S'okay," I grunted, though I'd never really wanted to know what Annabeth's sneaker tasted like."

_(c)- The Sea of Monsters_

"Like water leaking through a dam," said Piper.  
>"Yeah," smiled Percy. "We've got a dam hole."<br>"What?" Piper asked.  
>"Nothing," he said. "Inside joke."<p>

_(c)- The Mark of Athena_

"He turned to Frank who was trying to pull his fingers out of the Chinese handcuffs…  
>"Okay," Frank relented. "Sure." He frowned at his fingers, trying to pull them out of the trap. "Uh, how do you—"<br>Leo chuckled. "Man, you've never seen those before? There's a simple trick to getting out."  
>Frank tugged again with no luck. Even Hazel was trying not to laugh.<br>Frank grimaced with concentration. Suddenly, he disappeared. On the deck where he'd been standing, a green iguana crouched next to an empty set of Chinese handcuffs.  
>"Well done, Frank Zhang," Leo said dryly, doing his impression of Chiron the centaur. "That is exactly how people beat Chinese handcuffs. They turn into iguanas."<p>

_(c)- The Mark of Athena_

"Whenever Percy stopped by to see [Annabeth], she was so lost in thought that the conversation went something like this:  
>Percy: 'Hey, how's it going?'<br>Annabeth: 'Uh, no thanks.'  
>Percy: 'Okay...have you eaten anything today?'<br>Annabeth: 'I think Leo is on duty. Ask him.'  
>Percy: 'So, my hair is on fire.'<br>Annabeth: 'Okay, in a while."

_(c)- The Mark of Athena_

"Save yourselves!" Percy warned. "It is too late for us!"  
>Then he gasped and pointed to the spot where Frank was hiding. "Oh, no! Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!"<br>Nothing happened.  
>"I <em>said<em>," Percy repeated, "Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!"  
>Frank stumbled out of nowhere, making a big show of grabbing his throat. "Oh, no," he said, like he was reading from a teleprompter. "I am turning into a crazy dolphin."<br>He began to change, his nose elongating into a snout, his skin becoming sleek and gray. He fell to the deck as a dolphin, his tail thumping against the boards.  
>The pirate crew disbanded in terror."<p>

_(c)- The Mark of Athena_

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><p><strong>So, review, favourite and follow. <strong>

**Until next time- iluvbooks12345 a.k.a. Kanyaka**


	4. Chapter 4

**WARNING WARNING SPOILER ALERT WARNING WARNING**

**This chappie contains spoilers for ****_The Blood of Olympus._**** Read at your own risk. Anyways, enjoy. :)**

**P.S. – Sorry for the late update. Really sorry. **

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><p>"Aphros nodded, a glint of pride in his eyes. "We have trained all the famous mer-heroes! Name a famous mer-hero, and we have trained him or her!"<br>"Oh, sure," Leo said. "Like…um, the Little Mermaid?"  
>Aphros frowned. "Who? No! Like Triton, Glaucus, Weissmuller, and Bill!"<br>"Oh. "Leo had no idea who any of those people were. "You trained Bill? Impressive."

_(c)- The Mark of Athena_

"Annabeth gripped the hilt of her dagger. "A bounty on our heads . . . as if we didn't attract enough monsters already."  
>"Do we get WANTED posters?" Leo asked. "And do they have our bounties, like, broken down on a price list?"<br>Hazel wrinkled her nose. "_What_ are you talking about?"  
>"Just wondering how much I'm going for these days," Leo said. "I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe . . . but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks?"<p>

_(c)- The Mark of Athena_

"Leo drummed his fingers. "Great. I should have installed a smoke screen that makes the ship smell like a giant chicken nugget. Remind me to invent that, next time."  
>Hazel frowned. "What is a chicken nugget?"<br>"Oh, man…" Leo shook his head in amazement. "That's right. You've missed the last, like, seventy years. Well, my apprentice, a chicken nugget—"  
>"Doesn't matter," Annabeth interrupted."<p>

_(c)- The Mark of Athena_

"[Piper] rushed to get dressed. By the time she got up on deck, the others had already gathered—all hastily dressed except for Coach Hedge, who had pulled the night watch.  
>Frank's Vancouver Winter Olympics shirt was inside out. Percy wore pajama pants and a bronze breastplate, which was an interesting fashion statement. Hazel's hair was all blown to one side as though she'd walked through a cyclone; and Leo had accidentally set himself on fire. His T-shirt was in charred tatters. His arms were smoking."<p>

_(c)- The Mark of Athena_

"While Leo fussed over his helm controls, Hazel and Frank relayed the story of the fish-centaurs and their training camp.  
>'Incredible,' Jason said. 'These are really good brownies.'<br>'That's your only comment?' Piper demanded.  
>He looked surprised. 'What? I heard the story. Fish-centaurs. Merpeople. Letter of intro to the Tiber River god. Got it. But these brownies-'<br>'I know,' Frank said, his mouth full. 'Try them with Ester's peach preserves.'  
>'That,' Hazel said, 'is incredibly disgusting.'<br>'Pass me the jar, man,' Jason said.  
>Hazel and Piper exchanged a look of total exasperation. Boys."<p>

_(c)- The Mark of Athena_

"Your lifeline…oh, the burning stick. Right." Leo resisted the urge to set his hand ablaze and yell: Bwah ha ha! The idea was sort of funny, but he wasn't that cruel."

_(c)- The Mark of Athena_

"Correct." Kekrops sounded bitter, like he regretted his decision. "My people were the original Athenians-the gemini."  
>"Like your zodiac sign?" Percy asked. "I'm a Leo."<br>"No, stupid," Leo said. "I'm a Leo. You're a Percy."

_(c)- The Blood of Olympus_

"What if we promoted, like, Adidas shoes?' Percy wondered. 'Would that make Nike mad enough to show up?" Leo smiled nervously. Maybe he and Percy did share something else – a stupid sense of humour. "Yeah, I bet that would totally be against her sponsorship deal. THOSE ARE NOT THE OFFICIAL SHOES OF THE OLYMPICS! YOU WILL DIE NOW!" Hazel rolled her eyes. 'You both are impossible.'  
>Behind Leo, a thunderous voice shook the ruins: 'YOU WILL DIE NOW!"<p>

_(c)- The Blood of Olympus_

"I … what? Why would you want a son of Hades in the same room with people you're trying to heal? Why would anyone want that?'  
>'You can't help out a friend? Maybe cut bandages? Bring me a soda or a snack? Or just a simple How's it going, Will? You don't think I could stand to see a friendly face?'<br>'What … my face?'  
>The words simply didn't make sense together: Friendly face. Nico di Angelo.<p>

_(c)- The Blood of Olympus_

"I am Persephone" she said, her voice thin and papery. "Welcome, demigods.  
>Nico squashed a pomegranate under his boot. "Welcome? After last time, you've got the nerve to welcome me?"<br>I shifted uneasily, because talking that way to a god can get you blasted into dust bunnies. "Um, Nico-"  
>"It's all right," Persephone said coldly. "We had a little family spat."<br>"Family spat?" Nico cried. "You turned me into a dandelion!"

_(c)- The Demigod Files_

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><p><strong>Hope you enjoyed it. So as usual, favourite, follow and REVIEW. Please. If you want some quotes to be published in the next few chapters, feel free to PM me. Or you can say so in the comments. I'll readily post it.<strong>

**Until next time- iluvbooks12345 a.k.a. Kanyaka **


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the late update. Really sorry.** **This chappie contains spoilers for**_**The Blood of Olympus.**_**Read at your own risk. Anyways, enjoy.**** :) **

"Thalia had been turned into a pine tree when she was 12. Me... well, i was doing my best not to follow her example. I had nightmares about what Poseidon might turn me into if i were ever in the verge of death—plankton, maybe. Or a floating patch of kelp."  
><em>(c)- The Sea of Monsters<em>

"Thank Artemis, it is you! That little scar on your lip-you tried to eat a stapler when you were two!"  
>Hedge nodded like he approved of Jason's taste. "Staplers-excellent source of iron."<br>_(c)- The Lost Hero_

"Remind me again-why do you hate me so much?"  
>"I don't hate you."<br>"Could've fooled me."  
>She folded her cap of invisibility. "Look...we're just not supposed to get along, okay? Our parents are rivals."<br>"Why?"  
>She sighed. "How many reasons do you want? One time my mom caught Poseidon with his girlfriend in Athena's temple, which is hugely disrespectful. Another time, Athena and Poseidon competed to be the patron god for the city of Athens. Your dad created some stupid saltwater spring for his gift. My mom created the olive tree. The people saw that her gift was better, so they named the city after her."<br>"They must really like olives."  
>"Oh, forget it."<br>"Now, if she'd invented pizza-_that_ I could understand."  
><em>(c)- The Lightning Thief<em>

"Snake people do not drink milk," Kekrops said. "We are lactose intolerant reptiles."  
>"Me too!" Frank said. "I mean . . . lactose intolerant. Not a reptile. Though I can be a reptile sometimes-"<br>_(c)- The Blood of Olympus_

"Frank couldn't breathe underwater.  
>But where was he?<br>Percy turned in a full circle. Nothing. Then he glanced up. Hovering above him was a giant goldfish. Frank had turned -clothes, backpack, and all- into a koi the size of a teen-aged boy.  
>"dude." Percy sent his thoughts through the water, the way he spoke to other sea creatures. "A goldfish?"<br>Frank's voice came back to him: "I freaked. We were talking about goldfish, so it was on my mind. Sue me."  
><em>(c)- The Mark of Athena<em>

"[Hazel] hissed in frustration. 'I hate eidolons. I thought Piper made them promise to stay away.'  
>'Oh...' Frank said, like he'd just had his own daily happy thought. 'Piper made them promise to stay off the ship and not possess any of us. But if they followed us, and used other bodies to attack us, then they're not technically breaking their vow...'<br>'Great,' Leo muttered. 'Eidolons who are also lawyers. Now I really want to kill them."  
><em>(c)- The Mark of Athena<em>

"Christmas in the Underworld was NOT my idea.  
>If I'd known what was coming, I would've called in sick. I could've avoided an army of demons, a fight with a Titan, and a trick that almost got my friends and me cast into eternal darkness.<br>But no, I had to take my stupid English exam."  
><em>(c)- The Demigod Files <em>

**I'm sooo sorry for the small chapter. I don't get much time to write nowadays. After all, this isn't the only story that I'm writing. I hope you understand my problems and are not furious. Don't be mad if I don't post regularly**

**Hope you enjoyed it. So as usual, favourite, follow and REVIEW. Please. If you want some quotes to be published in the next few chapters, feel free to PM me. Or you can say so in the comments. I'll readily post it.**

**Until next time- iluvbooks12345 a.k.a. Kanyaka**


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